Oh god...

I just ate the most gross things in last month. Fucking awful canned fish with fucking toasts. God damn it. Let's be honest: I've just binged. Going to purge in a moment, I just want to throw all emotions from me.
Well, apart of that, I cannot make up my mind and do my work for today. I have deadline on Wed, but I'm totally smashed inside, and it's almost impossible to do anything...

Thank you, my two followers, that I have you. It's always some support and I'm really glad you're here.
I hope that after this Wed I will be able to write something more optimistic... D'oh, I wish I could have better mood right now...

A little thinspo for the rest of the day. Kisses!

A new day begins...

I just weighted and, wow, I have now 2,8 lbs less! That means I'm 149,2 lbs. This is good start. 

New day begins and I have so much stuff to do, that I don't have idea where to find time for that. Two huge review materials need to be done until incoming Wednesday, because we're closing next, december edition of our cultural monthly. And my boss is yet furious that I'm not as productive as he wishes. OK, I won't tell him simply, my dear boss, I'm just sitting all day on sofa and crying, it's nonsense.

I'm happy, because I've made everything good enough to get off from bed. Believe me, getting up is terribly hard last time. Well. I ate little bowl of musli & milk, nothing more than 150 kcal. I won't overcome 600 kcal today and I know I must keep close to this thought.
Excercises from tomorrow. Flatmate and boyfriend inside, d'oh.

Ok, so there is another beginning.

There is another beginning, there is another moment to start.
I've decided to found this blog because of several reasons:
1) I need motivation. Running a blog is great occasion to motivate and to form some random thoughts into something more shaped. Well, I'm lazy and when I'm run out of motivation, nothing goes further.
2) I need thinspiration. This blog, apart of being a diary, will become soon a personal collection of thinspiration pictures. Nothing motivates as good as nice girls and their beauty. I don't care if they're photoshopped or not. I don't care if they're celebrities or generic girls. I just care they are thin and sexy.
3) I need dialogue. Sincerely, I hope that some of people with similar problems will gather here, around my posts, and we will form a little, supportive circle. Yes. It has one more advantage. Support means motivation.
4) I need to loose weight. That's fact. And there is nothing to add. Or maybe, I will tell you a little.

Because of some sick stuff I had in life, I've gain huge weight. When I was 18, I was 187 lbs. And then came some critical moment, when my relationship crushed. I realised that I have depression and this is the problem - I eat like crazy because I'm sad, and I cannot live this way anymore. I want to be like other girls. I want to change my life totally, and I must start from myself.
And yes, that was the beginning of many problems. I have had many wins and many loses, in fact I still fight. Nothing is normal, and I won't try to tell you, that my weight loss is totally healthy and so on. I have ED, a few types of them combined in my personal sickness. Maybe they don't have many symptoms, but I feel that my self-esteem is not correct and objective. I know also, that there's no other way for me; all healthy diets I've tried failed, I was only gaining. I loose only when I starve or when I binge&purge.

Well, that's not simple. Now I try to live kinda normally, eating less and I try to not overdo with sweets, carbohydrates and stuff. But I have problems... and when I have problems, I eat.
This blog is made to help me deal with this stuff.

So let's start.
Now I'm 152 lbs, after many gaining-loosing periods. I've decided, that this is the final time to succeed for me: I'm 23 years old and I have enough. I'm over with it - with my life, with my weight, with thing I see in the mirror. Time to deal with it. Time for final fight.